I know my dad is self-centered to the point of being narcissistic. We diagnosed him with that before it was a "cool" diagnosis. But this past weekend reached a new low when my dad talked exclusively about three topics:
1. Why he’s awesome or important
(ex: I did this, my dad did this in WWII, my daughter saved the day by plugging in a VCR which reflects well on me, etc.)
2. Why everyone else sucks or is stupid, including inanimate objects (ex: "my alarm clock is unreliable" because he was so hung over he slept through it)
3. That woman/car/whatever is hot, accompanied by inappropriate staring and/or conversation
(ex: "looks like you just ran a 10k, everything holding up? Followed by a "I used to run 10ks, so I know how it goes…").
That’s it. From my arrival at 3pm Friday afternoon until I left at 10:45am on Sunday.
Okay, there were a FEW other utterances that popped out that did not fit into those three categories:
- Four instances of: "Are you SURE you want to get Thai food?" knowing full well there was no better option and I was not going to suddenly decide, two blocks away from the restaurant, that I’d rather have have sushi or pizza or something.
- Five instances of: "You should order THIS food item" which contained gluten, while standing at the front desk not letting anyone else get by. Even the waitress was ready to slap him for that one.
- One instance of: "Do you have a water bottle for your trip back? Do you need to refill it?" with a tone usually reserved for a 10-year-old. This could arguably be added to the "everyone else sucks" category, as in ‘I’m not capable enough to supply myself with water.’
- One instance of: Singing some esoteric Mexican song that nobody knows, but he sings to everyone and anyone as they exit a party, although usually only once he is too drunk to drive, which thankfully was my reminder to not let him get behind the wheel that evening. Again, this could arguably be put into category #1, because he’s SO COOL that he knows this esoteric Mexican song and HE will SING it FOR YOU, just so you know how cool he is.
That’s all I can think of. Every thing else that escaped his lips could be categorized into those three main categories. Even his "I saw a marmot" story, because he framed it as "I am so clever that I was able to identify a marmot even though they are not native to where I live."
There was also the "well, I don’t want to go on the bus tour, so we’re not going," declaration, with the implication being he is important so what he wants to do I will also do.
Or "I like watching beach volleyball [in the Olympics] because your mom and I invented the sport." Actual quote. He was more drunk than usual at this point, and the story originally started as "your mom and I used to play with the professional beach volleyball players in Santa Monica" which means they used to use the same courts, and evolved over the course of the evening. And of course he would interrupt people if they spent too much time talking about themselves so he could interject with a story of how their story related to how awesome HE was.
So yeah, for the next week, two months, whatever, don’t brag about yourself or badmouth other people in order to make yourself look/feel better, at least in front of me, or you will receive some serious sh*t from me, and possibly even a punch in the mouth.
Just a heads up.