(Hi, sorry it’s been awhile since I posted, I have been BUSY!)
As I was scraping the last of my pea soup out of my giant soup cup at lunch today, I pondered the possibly strange phenomenon of how, for the first time in probably three years, I feel in control of my consumption habits. Despite having a parasitic being growing inside me, sending my body signals that it needs this nutrient or that, or just isn’t interested in food AT ALL, I feel like I am feeding my body what it needs. Not what I’ve been told to eat, not feeding any empty emotional craving or pain or sadness, not reacting to any kind of habit or addiction, or fighting my body’s cries for food, healthy or unhealthy, to get it down to the "perfect" weight or shape or size. I am simply eating what I want, when I want, and no more.
I know how fortunate I am in that my parasite/fetus is a true health nut and makes me crave healthy foods – cow, greens, cheese, fruit, the occasional dark chocolate – rather than the usual junk food pregnant women tend to be drawn to. I realize my body has been extremely cooperative in not adding more weight than it needs (which is still not much, now about 4 lbs at 17 weeks into the pregnancy). After the sleepy fog of my first trimester lifted, I have been able to stay fairly active lifting weights, walking a lot, mowing the lawn, gardening, and tidying around the house. My legs are getting stronger and look even better than they did before I got pregnant, a few tiny veins notwithstanding.
I hear so many pregnant women complain about how out of control they feel about their bodies during pregnancy, that despite their best efforts they only crave or can only stomach the fatty, sugary snack foods, or how even with healthy eating and exercise their body packs on the extra pounds. I suspect that as I grow I will start to feel more off balance and uncomfortable, and be angry at my body for it’s inability to climb stairs without getting winded. And while I certainly didn’t enjoy the finicky way my body would love pork or asparagus one week and not be able to be near it the next, only being able to eat a little bit at a time, I feel like spending those weeks listening to my body for cues and just letting it guide me were really good practice, a sort of healing for the two of us. For now, coming towards the halfway mark, I feel like for the first time in a long time I’m listening to my body, and my body in turn isn’t hiding behind fear or pain or addiction. I realize I am my body and my body is me, but it’s like we’re finally connected again and talking directly with each other, and it feels great.