My husband’s worried about me getting fat

You read that right.

He is excited about being a father. He loves me. He of course has the same excitement and panicked moments that all soon-to-be parents do, but the two specific issues he has expressed concern about the pregnancy or being a new parent is about how the baby will mess with his sleep to the point of giving him insomnia, and how fat I’m going to get.

He asks me how much weight I’ve gained so far (maybe 1 or 2 pounds), when is it typical for women to start showing (now), and those questions are fairly innocuous. But he has also repeatedly asked me how much weight I’m supposed to gain over the course of the pregnancy. When I again tell him 15 to 25 (based on the fact I started off overweight) he has said, “Well you don’t really need to gain any weight, then do you?” WTF? How does that logic even work?! No! Even though I was 20 lbs heavier than when you met me, I STILL need to gain another 15 to 25 lbs!

He monitors what I eat, partially because he wants to make sure I’m eating healthy, but also because he’s so concerned about me getting fat(ter) during the pregnancy. I really want to tell him to shove a carrot up his ass!

He was already uncomfortable with my significant weight gain I had over the last two years, as am I. But being pregnant is the WORST time to go on a diet, and I don’t know why he expects me to risk our future child so I’ll look hot in a bikini right after I give birth. That’s not how it’s going to work!

I once saw this saddening documentary about a woman who was anorexic and pregnant, and the struggle she went through. I feel like my husband is the anorexic, trying to control things that really can’t be controlled.

The worst part is this fixation with my weight and associated behavior, which has come out in other ways in our relationship before the pregnancy, has the exact opposite effect he intends, in that it makes me want to rebel and eat sweets and chips and macaroni and cheese (gluten free, of course) and, god forbid, soda! He has all but forbidden me to drink soda during the pregnancy, btw. I bought a root beer to open on his birthday while everyone else drank beer and wine, and he firmly asked me to return it because it had too much sugar and didn’t want me drinking it. Sparkling water has helped my tummy a lot during the first trimester, so it’s hard for me not to want to slip a soda in there sometimes. But truthfully most of that stuff I don’t even like to eat very often (except the Mac and Cheese), but that pressure that someone’s watching my eating habits totally makes me feel guilty for even “slipping up” and wanting the occasional granola with my yogurt. I feel like I AM eating healthy. Most of my meals are made up of whole foods, with lots of veggies and fruits mixed in or as snacks throughout the day. I’m not as good as I was the first 8 weeks of the pregnancy, but I’m still doing a lot better than most women in the U.S., and even pretty good by my own standards.

I’m trying to balance his concern with my need for the occasional piece of chocolate and not “hide” food from him, but at the same time I try to only buy junk food at work, or tuck it away in the back of the pantry where they won’t be in his face.

That said, I did just eat some rice crackers and cheese in front of him and it didn’t seem to be a problem, so it’s also an inconsistent reaction, which is actually worse. But I’m also strong enough in myself and my needs now compared to a year ago to be able to tell him to go fuck himself.

It just sucks because I want to feel he’s got my back throughout this thing. I have wanted to have him play the part of doula for me, and I think/hope during the actual pregnancy he will. I’m also sure lots of partners have the same fears of health and weight gain for their pregnant counter-part and offspring, but I’m guessing most are smart enough to not be so fucking VOCAL about it. Yes/No? Leave your experience in the comments below.

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5 comments on “My husband’s worried about me getting fat

  1. DLoweinc says:

    It really sounds like he needs to read up on a couple of pregnancy books so he knows what to expect, then go with you to all of your OB appointments and ask your OB/Gyn any questions he has. S/he will probably set him straight. You will need a partner during your pregnancy and especially after, someone to support and love you for who you are, not someone that will make you feel bad about wanting a soda.

    Having a 7 month old boy that I stay home with (and blog about), the support is vital for both of you to not want to strangle each other. Babies are loving and tender and precious and they want and need nearly all of your time for the foreseeable future.

  2. Vinny Grette says:

    My pregnant daughter felt she was doing a little too much ice cream. So she subbed with frozen raspberries and really adores them! I feel for you – good luck! My pregnant daughter also agrees that he carrot is a good idea!

  3. Shiney says:

    You shouldn’t be made to feel like you need to restrict your diet while you’re pregnant by anyone else. If you decide on your own to eat healthier during the pregnancy, that’s one thing, but it doesn’t seem right that your husband is micro-managing your eating habits. You already have stresses on your body and mind from just being pregnant, that added stress isn’t cool. I hope things get better for you.

  4. Matt Vaudrey says:

    My wife is pregnant, and (though I also worry about her gaining too much weight), her diet is a discussion we can have together. I don’t pretend to know your situation, but I think you should share that last paragraph with him.

    Because while blogging about it can be cathartic, it won’t solve your problem. Good luck.

  5. awomynous says:

    Thank you everyone for your support. Matt you’re right that I should speak to him about it, and I try to assuage his concerns gently. But as I’m sure most of you each have your hot button items in your relationships, food became one for us a couple of years ago when I lost my sister and started eating to drown my guilt, and was then diagnosed with gluten intolerance (I’ll need to write about this experience at some point). It was a major pain point in our relationship, and when we had marriage counseling over the summer it definitely came up. We’ve worked past it for the most part, but obviously there are still some wounds that haven’t fully healed for either of us.

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