As I mentioned in my previous post, my husband wants to go ahead and tell everyone this weekend. It’s a big shindig for his birthday, all his family and friends will be there, and it seems appropriate.
But I’m not ready.
For one thing, once his family knows, the world will know. There is no such thing as privacy in this family. My MIL will post on Facebook if that weird rash on my face turned out to be poison oak or herpes? (Poison oak, actually, but thanks for asking). And she’s the good one. If you actually tell her not to say anything, she probably won’t, at least not on social media. She might say it in front of other people, and THEY would post it on social media.They’re just not one for secrets (except they are! Man do they have some big whoppers! Well, keeping the big stuff in means letting the little stuff out, I guess).
So, once his family knows, I pretty much have to tell my boss, or have one of my coworkers see a post on Facebook by one of my distant cousins asking if I’m showing yet, and suddenly my entire office knows. Not very professional.
But besides that, I’m not sure I want the world to know yet. I haven’t even told my closest girlfriend yet. We went out to dinner last week, and I didn’t end up telling her, even though I had planned to, because we were just having such a good time talking about grown-up stuff like jobs and husbands and how awful her MIL is (really, I am blessed), and what our favorite Indian place in town was, and NOT about me being pregnant or pushing out a kid in less than 8 months. I liked it. I liked just being me and not somebody’s mom yet. But as soon as we tell, that’s who I’m going to be for the rest of my life; somebody’s mom. I’m happy to take that role on, don’t get me wrong. I’m just also interested in being known as me, who I am as an individual, and not how my prenatal child is already effecting my life. Which he is, but I don’t always feel like talking about it. Sometimes I do, but sometimes I’d rather just talk about what movie I saw, not whether or not I was able to sit through the whole thing or had to get up a bajillion times to go pee.
So, I’m struggling a little bit. I know he’s going to tell, he’s excited, and I’m happy he wants to share with the world. That’s a good sign. He’s already hinted to people he’s got a big announcement, so there’s no going back. We’re pretty much past the scary zone, although not entirely. Fuck, I could technically still miscarriage two days before the event, and then what? I don’t want to, I want to have this baby. I’ve been trying for close to two years. I’m ready to be somebody’s mom, I am still just mourning the loss of carefree, pre-baby me.