I’m just been soooo busy….

I find myself apologizing a lot lately for being what I perceive as "lazy." Most nights instead of working on my crafting or my volunteer work, I end just laying on the couch the couch barely paying attention to what’s on Hulu. I cover up my "laziness" and say I’ve been super busy, when in reality all I’ve really been doing is sitting on my a$$. I feel really guilty that I haven’t been helping out as much, working out as much, or being as "go-get-em" as I normally am.
I have a hard time not doing anything. I literally drove myself to exhaustion at least twice a year for three years in a row, and rather than taking a break I just kept going and never really gave myself time to recover. I am not proud of that fact, believe me, this is not some bragging rights thing. It was stupid and dangerous and cost me my physical and reproductive health and about 20+ pounds. For the past few months, I have literally had to practice not being busy. Allowing myself at first 1/2 an hour, then an hour, then maybe even two hours of not doing anything productive. No baking, no gardening, and no work. It was okay if I read something not for work.
So this sudden onset of utter, total laziness is just not like me. It’s taking some getting used to, but I’m trying to own it.
And the real truth is I AM busy, just not doing anything visible. I’m growing a new human being. It’s all internal work, it’s all new to me and my system, and it’s all very exhausting. And confusing. And unlike me. And as much as I love WHY this is happening, I cannot wait for it to go away.


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