It’s not a competitive streak, just sheer frustration

I didn’t realize how much I wanted to have a child until two of my friends announced they were pregnant, and instead of being happy for them, I got really jealous. Like visceral, gut reaction jealous.

I feel like a petty, dirty person, but it’s the truth. I’m usually thrilled when someone accomplishes something I’m also working on, since it proves to me it can be done. If she can do it, I can do it! But not in this case. When I find out one of my friends is pregnant I am super happy for them, but I am also pissed that it’s not me.

I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year now. Only 6 months of that have I actually been fertile, but it’s still awhile. At first it was just a “wait and see” feel but now, I feel like it’s a war against the chaos of the universe to create something inside my uterus.

I have been ready to have kids for awhile, but I never thought I’d be one of those women, the kind that are just baby crazed and want one now, now, now! My mother raised me better than that. But here I am, lusting after other people’s infants. We were playing with our little nieces and nephews this Christmas, and despite them being loud and obnoxious and one of them dumping her water into the dog bowl – repeatedly – I just kept thinking how I was ready for one of those screaming little things to be mine. I automatically reacted with negativity when I learned that one of my really obnoxious acquaintances knocked up his girlfriend, and saw he was posting play by plays of her labor on Facebook (actually that’s kind of annoying no matter who’s doing that).

I want to ask my pregnant friends for advice or help or insights, and simultaneously don’t want to be around them. I don’t want them to know I’m trying, and failing, where they have succeeded. I haven’t really talked to anyone about it. Not even my mom knows the whole story. She knows enough of the details, but I’m not calling her and whining every month “why aren’t I pregnant yet?!” She got pregnant at 35, why am I having so much trouble at 29?

There’s just this feeling of unfairness. Why does my (previous) micromanaging boss get pregnant in her high stress, 60+ hour a week job but not me?

I used to frown upon one of my friends for bugging her boyfriend so much to get married and have kids; now I’m kind of starting to understand her panic and sense of helplessness.

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